They Don't Tell You About the Dreams

Oh Blog, I may neglect you, ignore you, forget about you, but I always come back to you. But I can always tell you everything. You see, when you break up with someone you can only talk about it for so long before you sound like a broken record. This is problematic because after having some time to think about things you find more things to talk about. So I've taken my thoughts to the blog because the blog does not judge. This post may not make a whole lot of sense, it's mostly going to be a listing of different thoughts and feelings. More after the break.



So it has been one month since Megan and I broke up, erm, she left me. And in that time I've gone through my five stages, but I keep going back and forth between Steps 4 and Steps 5. If you aren't sure what I mean, I refer to the Five Stages of Grief.

Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression
Stage 5: Acceptance

The Depression is an interesting stage because it causes you do a lot of irrational things. To cope with my depression I unconsciously decided that this was the best week of all weeks to decorate the house, hang paintings and do home improvement projects. I mean, it's never a bad idea to work on the home. But it didn't occur to me why this felt so important to me until today.

You see, when I moved into my current home, I moved in with Megan. From Day 1, this was the house that Megan and I metaphorically built. We moved furniture together. We split the closet. We divided the walls in the office to decorate together. We found bookcases to make our place look homely. I wanted to redecorate and do all these projects to fill the hole she left in my life but leaving.

See what I mean by irrational? I spent, like, a lot of money this week. Granted, the place looks great, but I can't help but still feel that there is something missing; and that something missing is her. Also with my job, I used to love being home. It was my time to relax and be with her. But now I can't stand being home, in this home. I long to be on the road traveling so I don't have to be reminded of things I've lost.

Another thing that keeps me from Acceptance is all these feelings I have towards our breakup. All these feelings, unanswered questions; it's consuming. Megan was always vague when telling me her reasons. And I want to believe her, that it was that she fell out of love with me. I have no doubt that is the reason, but there has to be a reason why she fell out of love. She repeatedly told me that it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't anything I did. But I feel responsible, I can't stop blaming myself.

That last sentence is a mental time bomb. It makes me feel like I have always been the problem in my relationships. Maybe it has always been me. And the worst part I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong if anything. And when that bomb went off it shook the foundation; I'm beginning to feel like I'm never going to get things right. That I am doomed to be single and will never have a legacy.

Of course, dear reader, you are thinking, "Jeremy, you're being ridiculous." Well, dear reader, you're probably right. But you have to understand where I am coming from on this. I have given myself to every women I have loved. And by given I mean I everything I am, and was, and will be. I give them the entirety of me, and it's never enough.

There is a scene from my favorite show, "The Newsroom," where the main character Will is talking with his psychiatrist. Watch the clip below:

Rejection. It's such a powerful, manipulative form of psychological warfare. And I feel like this is why I am slowly spiraling out of control. The constant rejection takes a mental toll on you and for me it's beginning to be too much.

Lastly, the title of this blog. Nobody ever talks about the dreams you have when you lose someone. Maybe, it's not a normal thing for most people. And I can certainly say it is a first for me. I have maybe 2 or 3 dreams a week that have Megan in them. And they are all about us getting back together. I don't believe in premonitions so let's cut that one out of the picture. So why am I having them? Well these dreams are different almost every time. She says different things, different reasons, and I do the same. But almost every time, the dream ends before the conversation finishes or resolution is reached. Maybe my mind is telling me that if she were to ask, maybe I wouldn't say yes. Maybe, I wouldn't take her back. I don't know. I can only hope that my mind knows what is best for me, because so far I got nothing. I like so many people out there are lost. And I didn't realize how lonely it feels to be lost.

Editors Note: I read through this whole thing and I apologize for the lack of coherency. Definitely not my best writing, but I do feel better. Blogging is so cathartic.