I am completely lost

Pretty obvious title right? Well, it is how I feel. I have been feeling totally and completely lost, for who knows how long now. But I feel that writing about it may help so here goes nothing. And perhaps if you feel lost, this may help or even bring things into perspective.

A few months ago I was dating, or going on dates (however you want to label it) with this girl. She was younger as most of them tend to be but had managed to study a year abroad in Europe. She would regale me with stories of what it was like to live there. I loved how much different it sounded like Europe was. More importantly, I could see how much Europe had changed her in seemingly much better ways. It was almost if she found herself there, or at least the person she wanted to be. I won't go too much more into this but I wanted to leave this here as a footnote so that I could come back to it later. For effect I suppose.

I was talking to a friend recently, she is younger and is a sophmore in college, at least I think she is. Anyway, lately she has been feeling lost as well. She has no idea if she is in the right major, or what she should study or what she should even do with her life. I tried to comfort her, but in the end I didn't have much to say. Because at her age, I had all the same feelings. And what put me at a loss is that at my age, I still feel that way.

What the fuck right? I mean, that's why you get the degree. Or so people tell you at least. You get the degree, and then you get a job in that field, then you work in that field until you retire, and then you die. Pretty sweet life if you ask me, sounds almost fool-proof. But somehow, even though I have my degree I feel that a job in my field isn't what I want.

Now as you can imagine, this probably causes a lot of confusion. You see, I'm not currently working in my field, in fact I'm working for Samsung right now. And as cool as I think that is, somehow I feel that this isn't what I'm suppose to be doing. Which creates a huge problem because I feel that my degree isn't where I'm supposed to be and the job I'm currently working in also isn't right for me.

I'm going to stop for a second and tell you that the rest of the blog probably isn't going to get any less convoluted or confusing. I'm basically just free writing right now. I think it's helping.

The best way to problem solve is to identify the issues and address them separately. So we'll start with the first, the most obvious one: music. Why did I get a degree in music? Well, it was all I knew at the time so I decided to just roll with it. I used to be incredibly passionate about music. It was the driving force in my life. It formed the connections between reality and my subconscious, it was everywhere in everything. It was like the force to me. And somewhere along the line, I've completely lost my passion for music. I haven't been able to just pick up my guitar and play in the longest time. It's actually super disconcerting that this has happened to me. Music has been part of my life since middle school and more prominently in high school where I began to discover who I was. My lately, with my dispassioned interest in music I feel like I've lost a part of me.

But it's not just music, it's teaching as well. My best friend called the time before my student teaching the "dark times" because I was very unhappy, depressed and extremely withdrawn. And then I began student teaching and she said that she had never seen me happier. And this is true, because that was the happiest time of my life. But after it ended, I found myself dispassioned yet again. Teaching just didn't feel like the thing I was supposed to be doing.

Now when it comes to Samsung, this one is very conflicted as well. I love Samsung. I love technology. But somehow working for Samsung doesn't feel like the thing I'm supposed to be doing. I dread going to work every day, but their is a silver lining. On the days where I have amazing customers, those are the days I live for. The days where my customers are grateful for my help, or my knowledge, or even just my demeanor. But those days are few and far in between. I think the thing to be gained from that is that I like helping people so there is that to mark down.

Ok back to it. Now there is a reason I brought up the Europe story earlier. I've become fascinated with the idea of moving to Europe. I don't mean like a summer vacation, I mean, move there for an extended period of time. The idea of a fresh start sounds amazing. Sure, it's kind of like running from my problems. But maybe by getting myself into somewhere new I can figure things out.

You see, I have no idea what I want, or what I want to do anything. I am totally without answers. And who knows? The answer may not even be in Europe. But I know for sure that the answer isn't in this place at this time. And before you say anything, this isn't just some fantasy thing. This is something I truly and sincerely want to do. Even if I have to sell all of my stuff to do this. Even if I have to live in a studio apartment with three other people working part time at a coffee shop. Even if I have to leave everything behind to find whatever it is that I am not even sure that I'm looking for.

So this post serves as a way for me to hard-commit to this idea. Because if I tell a bunch of people perhaps I will feel more driven to do this. My hard commitment is that within two years, I will have moved to Europe. And who knows, perhaps I won't just stay in Europe. Maybe I'll travel the world in search of meaning or something. Maybe I'll rediscover my passion for music. Maybe I'll discover new passions and meet new people and encounter new ideas that will fundamentally change everything.

And maybe all of this is just total bullshit and two years from now I'll look back at this blog and laugh at my stupid, young, confused self.

But maybe, just maybe, I can grow a little from my experiences; transcend my current plane of existence and start existing on a higher level.

Anyway, I'll probably add to this or even just write something new later. I don't know. I guess this is my way of just leaving this here. Like a journal. Because, isn't that what blogs are about? I hope this was helpful to you, or that you even just enjoyed reading about my life.