Get ready for some deeply emotional shit. Don't pity me, but just know that this is the most I've talked about what is actually going on.
I'll preface this by saying that I know only two people will read this, and that is the two people who have subscribed to this pathetic blog, but I didn't write this for you people. As the title states, I am writing this for me. Selfish I know, but I now I feel like I can finally talk about what is going on.
I'll start of by saying that I'm a tremendous liar, I put on a happy face and pretend like everything is ok, but the chinks are beginning to show in the armor because I am most definitely not happy and everything is not ok. I've held just about everything in for about 3 months or so since I found about the news. The news I am referring to is my parent's divorce. It was finalized last week, and today my mother left to go back to the Philippines. I won't see her again until March, and even then, who knows. Conceivably, I may never see my mother again. I've known for a while that she planned to go back, but up until today I pretended that it wasn't going to happen. And then it did, and now it is real, and she is gone, and I can't see her. I can't even talk to her when I want to because of the time difference. For any of you out there who actually know me, you know that I love my mother more than anything in the world, and that her departing from my life is just about the most tragic thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know how I will possibly go on. I mean, I did move away but it was nice knowing I could call up my mom or just go see her when I wanted to. And now I can't.
I feel worse because I didn't do anything to make my remaining days with her the best I could. I didn't want to. I am a selfish, unfeeling bastard, and I hate myself. It's not that I didn't love her because dammit I do, it's that by acknowledging she was leaving, it became more real. But it was always real. It never changed, I just thought I could just ignore it. And now she is gone, and there is nothing I can do about it, and I hate myself. I didn't cry about this divorce until now as I am writing this, and I can't handle my shit anymore. Worse off, I have no one to save me. Not my mother, not my father who I was never close to even today, not really any of my friends, not my sister, not even my best friend CJ.
I've never been close to my dad, I can't talk to him about this because he will never understand. Not even my sister understands me, but I will go into a diatribe about this later. I don't have any friends I feel close to, none of them know how I actually feel. I can't even tell my best friend of 20 years because he is on a mission and I do not want to burden him with my problems. I am alone. And now, I'm even more alone than I was before.
Some people choose to deal with their problems by running, or crying, or drinking, but frankly I just want to be angry. My life is consumed with anger, it's all I've ever been. The only time I can remember not being angry was when I was with her, and if you really know me, you know which "her" I am talking about. I want to be angry at the world, for bringing down such misfortune upon me. I want to be angry at myself because I hate everything I am.
I, am lazy, arrogant, selfish, angry, closed-off, unavailable and just a total asshole to everyone I know. It is amazing I have ANY friends at all. It is probably why I'm still single and don't feel close to anybody, because I won't let anybody in. The last girl that tried to get in, I wouldn't let her, I feel awful but I just can't feel close to anybody any more.
My sister today asked me why I feel the way I do. I feel hopeless and pessimistic, that nothing good ever happens for me, and I feel this way because I feel like the world keeps taking a dump on me. Just one after another. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go because I can't take it anymore. I can't talk to my sister about anything because she doesn't understand what is like to not have hope. Most people don't know what true pessimism is, and most do not understand that pessimism is comforting to me, as is anger. I view apathy as the complete and total lack of hope. I am apathetic towards life. I don't care about anything anymore, and I feel like the world doesn't care about me. I am depressed, for sure, no question about it. I don't know why I care about anything anymore, the way I dress, the way I act towards people, the way I treat school and life. I fail to see the point. I am apathetic.
Yes, this is a cry for help that will mostly fall on deaf ears, except for you two people. To start, one of you doesn't live anywhere close anymore and I've felt emotionally detached from you for the longest time, ever since what happened this summer. The other, you have a significant other, and he is amazing and wonderful and I don't want you to worry about me, because I need you in a way that I wouldn't want a woman I was dating to give to someone else. Not in a romantic way, but in a deeply emotional, trusting way. So with that being said, I am alone. And nobody can save me. And this is everything I've been feeling for the last couple of months. I might go see a psychiatrist, get medicated and be THAT person. Because right now, I'm running low on the drive to even care about anything.
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