Why I Rage

This is going to be a long and extremely personal post, so if you are one of my few subscribers it will be you guys alone who see this.
My life has not been the most pleasant life.  You see, I have major self-esteem issues.  Like MAJOR issues.  I'm pretty much damaged goods at this point which definitely contributes to my current dating status.  I have issues because of my father.  You see, his brand of parenting was, as we discussed in theoretical foundations, one of the least effective ways.  He liked to take things away from me to discourage negative or wrong behavior, which if you were paying attention or no about reinforcement, only helps to further encourage that behavior.  Now for those who know me, I'm not a bad kid, like at all.  But I really don't follow directions very well and I'm rebellious.  So, basically this made me appreciate video games even more.  I wanted to play more because he would use it against me.

Fast forward in life and I STILL have self-esteem issues.  My dad continually to this day lectures me about something I fucked up on and he still manages to make me feel like I can't do anything right.  Well father of the year, you did succeeded.  You have managed to make me feel like I can't actually do anything right.  Whether it be music, school, work, or even just general matters of life, I have serious issues with not doing it right.  It's why I hate failure.  It's why I'm scared to try anything new.  It's why I hate losing.

My life hasn't been made easier due to my parent's divorce and even my own sister wishing that I wasn't her brother sometimes because I have to continually ask for her help.  I certainly can't ask my dad, and I won't, because the way he makes me feel is not worth his help in any respect.  I don't like asking my sister for help that's for sure, but she's the only one I have right now and I am sorry she is burdened by me, her awful brother.

Music hasn't been much of a savior either.  Music School has completely killed my love of music.  Practicing is a chore.  I don't feel like I get better either and that's probably the worst part.  Additionally, I just don't know what the hell I am doing anymore and I struggle to make through my days.  They say that student teaching will make or break you, and I feel like it will be the latter for me.

Then there's dating and that is an even bigger joke than music for me right now.  It's not just the lack of viable women to date in my life, it's probably mostly me.  I think most women can see a broken record from a mile away, and I'm pretty hard to miss.  Not to mention the total lack of confidence I have in dating these days.  Everything from height, to looks to even just being able to talk to women.  But this alone is a post.

So, what does this have to with video games?  Well, everything really.  Video games have been the only place I can escape my shit-show of a life.  And not to mention I feel like video games are the only thing I'm good at.  I've always had a natural ability to play video games.  I see them analytically and from different perspectives that most do.  I have this sort of intuition when I play a new game that basically guides me.  It's pretty strange but it does make me happy.  In fact, video games are really only one of a couple things that make me happy.  Being around my friends helps too, but sometimes it's nice to escape to distant worlds by yourself.

So why do I rage?

I rage because 1) I have anger issues (also from my dad) and 2) I have self-esteem issues relating back to my dad.  You see, when I can't win at a video game, let alone one that I'm supposed to be particularly good at, well shit.  There isn't much more after that.  Tonight I lost a a Best of 5 series to my friend whom I should have 5-0'd.  But I lost 3-2 because I took one measly week off from playing Starcraft to play Diablo 3.  So right now, I'm pretty fucking angry.  I should not have lost that.  And to surmise, I rage because video games are the only thing I feel good about and if not good at those then I'm not good at anything.

I don't want ANYBODY to tell me that it is "just a game" and that "winning isn't everything" because I'm probably going to go tell you to go fuck yourself.  Sorry, but it's true.  Video games matter to me.  They sadly keep me going every day because I'm not very happy in general.  In fact, I'm really only happy when I'm gaming so winning and being good at the only thing that makes me happy is a really big deal.  It is the most important thing in the universe.

Lastly, I want to apologize for not writing that often.  I've been having a rough couple of weeks and truth be told I'm only blogging right now because I have no one to talk to about this, except for my non-judgemental computer which always listens and is strangely therapeutic.  And I'm also sorry that the only thing I've written about in weeks is me bitching about how much everything sucks right now.

But, to end on a slightly brighter note I've decided to commit to Starcraft.  My commitment is to play a minimum of 15 1v1 games a day, 5 days a week.  I am no longer going to suck at Starcraft and will get good again and hopefully that helps with other things in my life.  It probably won't, but it's the best answer I've got.